I was listening to Fearless by Taylor Swift tonight and I was just realizing like what is going on. What am I doing with my life. It feels crazy and out of control at the same time but at the same time I totally don't have the control, God does. I know it sounds cliche and all but I am legitly living by faith at the moment. It's like how they say how YWAM ruins people for the ordinary and I use to never really believe or understand what they were saying until I lived it. Here I was moving to South Africa, to work in Thailand and Cambodia with multiple people whom I love and cherish so much. It's like how could I ever go back to where I was before. How can I go back home and try to go straight back into the things I knew always and forever. It's like the person I am today is completely different from the person that left Canada in late September. I don't even know what's going on anymore.

Sometimes I feel like I don't know what I am doing, my DTSers have all left and here I am. Sometimes it really truly feels like I have slid back a little. I have been sick for the last month and it's been kind of hard to keep up my energy level so anytime I have an outburst it's because yeah I don't even know half the time.

It's like everything I ever knew was thrown up and split into a million pieces and now it's like "Ok D, now it's your turn to really use all the things that I taught you with the safety of your group now go and use them:" except I realize that I'm still in the YWAM bubble but it's still like one more step into where I am going to.

How can I use these things that I've learned. How can I be the best ever that I have been trained in.

Sometimes I miss Canada. I don't know why. Maybe it's because everyone else has gone home except for a the sbsers and a few others who are super busy all the time. It's always like starting over again. I'm not good with change. I am learning that. Learning to really lay everything down and learn this. I never did before. It's hard. Life was never suppose to be easy though. God is really teaching me a whole heck of a lot now. Forever and always. I don't want to stop learning.

I even considered going back to University because I missed learning like how I would in University. I am crazy I think.

I can't wait for the World Cup though! It's going to be sweet to come back with stories that I will have to share about it and just being there. This is something I've never even experienced and so it's going to be seriously one of the craziest events ever!!!